My first false positive
Written September 1, 2024 - 6 months before IVF Cycle 1.
Rarely in the medical world are we thrilled to see a positive test. Positive tests generally mean bad news - new diagnoses, new treatments, new fears.
In the fertility world on the other hand, we pray and pray and pray for positive results. If you’re actively trying to conceive, odds are you live and breathe the ovulation & pregnancy test game, constantly collecting your own urine so you can dip a little stick in and wait for those lines to develop. It's a bit gross, really.
I am no different. Despite being told from a young age that my ovaries were under-developed, there were no visible follicles/eggs on any scans, and therefore my odds of having a natural pregnancy were near 0%, I still held on to what every doctor puts at the end of their speech:
“The chances of an unplanned pregnancy are not 0%,
so please use protection.”
When they said those words, all I heard was “so there's a chance.” I carried those words with me for a long time, and eventually into my marriage. When we were first starting down the path towards IVF, I wanted to be absolutely certain I was not ovulating at all. I needed physical confirmation that I could not do this on my own before I committed to the huge financial, emotional, and physical burden that comes with IVF.
So for months, all I did was collect my urine in little cups, and test and test and test. And for months, all I received was negative test after negative test. I was so dedicated to the process that I was testing morning, afternoon, and evening every day of my cycle that I wasn’t physically bleeding, ignoring every “ovulation tracker” app and calendar out there that told me I really only needed 1 week of testing.
One day in July I finally received an ovulation test with not one but two dark lines. I felt like I was dreaming. I was so in shock that I tucked the test back in its little packet and set it in my bedside drawer so I could look at it whenever I wanted.
About a week and a half later, I started taking pregnancy tests instead of ovulation tests. I didn’t expect anything to be positive, at least not in the beginning, but damn did I have hope. I had never received a positive ovulation test, so I knew something about this cycle was different. I felt…..different.
It was a Tuesday morning before work that I took that pregnancy test at about 5 AM. I washed my face, brushed my teeth, then turned that test over. One very, very faint line followed by one very dark line.
At first I thought I had “line eyes” (you TTC girlies know what I’m talking about!!).
A positive test.
My knees felt weak, my fingers started to tingle, my stomach did a flip, and my brain was swarmed with thoughts.
Knowing immediately that this could be, and most likely was, a false positive, I kept it to myself instead of pulling my husband in to review the test. In my head, I knew I could handle it being a false positive, but I wasn’t sure he could. Especially this early in the journey.
I went about my day like usual, working in clinic and trying to ignore the swarm of emotions and “what ifs” in my head.
I kept the test in my bathroom vanity, and pulled it out as soon as I got home. It was almost like I needed to confirm that I wasn’t just seeing things at 5 AM. And there it was, still positive.
I decided that if I was going to do this, I was going to do it right. I wasn’t going to share this news with my husband unless I was 100% confident. He was out of town for the weekend, so I had days to take tests and sort this out on my own. I didn’t want to take another stick test because I knew they weren’t reliable (this should’ve been red flag #1 Emily - they aren’t reliable so why are we relying on this one??)....I ran to Target and grabbed the biggest package of ClearBlue pregnancy tests I could find.
I sat in the bathroom and took probably 3 or 4 tests that weekend - negative, negative, negative.
I felt like my world was caving in. I was given this 12 hour taste of what it feels like to be spontaneously pregnant. To be so fertile that I was caught off guard by having a positive test. For 12 hours, I got to feel what it was like to be normal, to be the 5 in 6.
And by the end of the weekend,
I was back to being the 1 in 6.
I felt abandoned. I felt lonely. I felt foolish for believing the positive in the first place. But above all else, I felt empty.
It took me weeks to finally divulge the saga to Adam. Part of it was embarrassment - I was embarrassed for even thinking this was possible. Part of it was I didn’t want him to feel the same disappointment I felt. By the time I came to terms with the situation enough to be able to talk about, I had been through every stage of grief in the book. I mentioned it pretty matter-of-factly, sharing that I really wasn’t upset by it anymore.
After the whole event, I finally decided it would be best if I stopped testing. If I developed ovulation/pregnancy symptoms, I would test, but otherwise - I was surrendering myself to science, committing fully to IVF.
And it was the best decision I could have made.
I share this story to remind everyone in the TTC community that it is ok to take a break. It is ok to breathe for a month or two, and then jump back in. It is ok to stop testing all together and surrender to IVF. It is ok to test like a madman and keep the tests in your nightstand.
There is no “one” fertility journey. We all experience fertility and conception differently. Your journey is beautifully, wonderfully, uniquely yours. Every good emotion, bad emotion, positive test, and negative test is part of your journey, and it is so beautiful.
But my biggest takeaway: have grace.
Give your mind grace.
Give your body grace.
We aren’t perfect, and neither is the journey.
I also recommend telling your partners ASAP. Adam was pretty hurt that I didn’t give him the opportunity to support me through those emotions. He understood, but he was hurt. If you’re struggling, if you’re sad, if you feel embarrassed by your emotions - you are not alone. Don’t isolate yourself more than this journey already does. Take it from someone who already did that.
