Yeah, I’m TTC. I’m Also Human.
Written September 12, 2024 - 6 months before IVF Cycle 1.
As any pregnant woman can attest, the world is fascinated, and almost fixated, on what pregnant women can and cannot do. You can’t drink alcohol, you can’t eat deli meat, you can’t use hot tubs or saunas. You can’t even indulge in an extra cup or two of coffee.
When you’re openly pursuing IVF treatments and actively TTC within the community, these “cannots” are even further exacerbated. The loved ones around you, the medical providers on your team, even your partner can start to take your “cannots” even more diligently than normal. Suddenly, you’re not even pregnant, you’re months from an embryo transfer, and you’re already limiting the alcohol and cutting back on the caffeine.
And I get it, we all get it. None of us want to waste the tens of thousands of dollars spent on IVF only to have an unhealthy/unsuccessful transfer, implantation, and pregnancy. As Meredith Grey put it, we don’t want a “hostile uterus.” But we also have to understand that we are all human.
For me, this moment came when I was pretty early in the IVF process. I was still going through the preliminary testing and work up, and I happened to have my dermatology visit on the same day. My “pre-IVF” acne routine consisted of spironolactone, tretinoin, and occasional doxycycline. If you’re not in the medical community and don’t know what those are - they are all bad news for babies. I was discussing this routine with my physician, who happened to see in my chart that I was followed by and recently seen in the IVF clinic and was in the early stages of the workup.
Her immediate response to my request for refills was,
“Well you know you can’t take
these when pregnant, right?”
Mind you, I am a nurse. I am well aware that these medications are bad news for baby. I also know that, at that moment, I was not actively trying to conceive - but she didn’t.
I politely explained that we aren’t there yet, and explained my plan to wean off all of these depending on our timeline for our first transfer. Curious, I also asked if there was anything I could take during the process that would be safe for baby. Her word-for-word response?
“If you’re going through all of that, why would you risk it?”
Let’s keep in mind - that was not my question. I was not asking to “risk it.” I never wanted to “risk it.” But why does “going through all that” suddenly mean I don’t even have an option to inquire if options exist - it's either all or it’s nothing? I just wanted to know if the option was there, I didn’t even commit to taking her up on that option had it existed.
At that moment, I realized the IVF community is treated a little differently.
Everyone in the IVF community deeply wants a child. We have all been through hell and back to get the chance to have a child of our own. But the outside world has a tendency to view us only as baby-wanting vessels waiting to be filled with that little embryo of joy.
We are still human. We have our own wants, our own needs. In my case - I still have the inherent desire to be acne free, while living my best pregnant life. I understand that modern medicine has determined there is no safe medication option available to me, but the desire is still there.
And on the other hand, we will ABSOLUTELY drop whatever we need to in order to have even a chance at a successful pregnancy. But this doesn’t mean we are numb to the pain of handing over our bodies to this baby. We are excited, we are hopeful, we are invigorated by the thought of carrying our own baby.
And at the end of the day - we are human. We can save the space to grieve what once was while celebrating and looking forward to what is to come.
