“Why Don’t You Just Adopt?”
Written by Emily.
This is one of the most (if not the most) loaded questions to ask a woman navigating infertility, and yet it's one almost every single one of us will get at some point.
As a concept it's not inherently wrong, but often comes off rude, insensitive, and judgemental in delivery (or at least that is how it is interpreted by those of us answering the question).
The wording - “why don’t you just adopt” - implies that adoption is both easy emotionally and simple to navigate logistically. And plot twist - it never is, on either front.
Adoption is a beautiful, fulfilling journey, but it is also deeply emotional, heavy, and extraordinarily difficult. You’re dealing with financial constraints, a legal system often not working in your favor, and significant delays at the hands of the governing bodies overseeing the process.
Similar complaints can be said for IVF - it can be a beautiful and fulfilling journey, but to see it as just the good without any of the emotion, heaviness, and difficulty that comes with it would be ignorant. Specifically donor egg/sperm IVF often also involves the legal system in ways most of us have never navigated before.
So therein lies the answer to “why don’t you just adopt?” Because it's not “just” adopting - it's about choosing the journey you feel prepared to navigate, choosing the journey you feel drawn toward -
choosing your hard.
And nobody can tell you how to make that decision.
For Adam and I, we never fully ruled out adoption (and still haven’t). We both find that journey beautiful, but what we knew about ourselves is that we weren’t prepared to navigate the adoption system and all the continuing repercussions families face for years after adoption.
Part of our decision was also made when Abby agreed to be our egg donor. We knew Abby, we knew she’d be willing to sit down with us one day and explain to our future children all the science (and miracles!) behind their creation.
With adoption, neither Adam nor I felt we had the tools - emotionally or physically - to navigate adoptive parenthood ourselves nor did we feel equipped to help a child navigate adoptive childhood. And that was the end of that - period.
When I received the “well why don’t you just adopt” question for the first time, my response was “I am not equipped to navigate adoption or help a child navigate adoption” and that was the end of the conversation. But if someone asks you that question, and you don’t have an answer, turn it back around on them -
“well why don’t YOU adopt?”
The underlying message being - why are we treating infertile women and couples as if they are morally inferior for choosing IVF to build their families over adoption, but we don’t give this same treatment to fertile women and couples who intentionally conceive naturally instead of adopting?
The adoption crisis is not the problem of infertile women and couples to bear alone. We can be aware of it, we can advocate to share awareness with others, but we do not have to force ourselves into adoptive parenthood if that is not the path calling to you, the journey you’re ready to navigate, and the gift you’ve been given.
