Infertility During The Holidays
Written by Emily.
I wrote this note to myself in my phone in 2023, before we ever started thinking about IVF. We were newly married at the time, but we both knew that IVF with egg donation was in our future, and likely would be a challenging, lengthy journey to get there. I wanted to document how I felt at the time, because even as a happy newlywed deeply in love, I had a little inkling of grief popping in around the holidays as family and friends posted their pregnancy announcements, gender reveals, Santa photos, and Christmas memories with their little ones. I hope these feelings resonate with some of you.
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Infertility sucks, but infertility sucks so much more around the holidays.
I know the holidays are magical regardless of your fertility status, but everything you’ll ever read will tell you having kids breathes life back into the holiday magic tucked in the way back parts of your brain. As a certified Christmas Lover, I have such a deep longing to experience that feeling.
But then the infertility questions pop back in to remind me I could be 1 year, 2 years, a decade from experiencing that magic. And the grief comes flooding right back in.
I know these feelings aren’t unique to us IVF girlies. They are feelings felt by so many women - women trying to conceive right now, women recently experiencing a loss, women who aren’t actively trying to conceive but know they want kids in the future.
Yet somehow the knowledge of my own infertility actually makes the situation worse. Knowing that, despite whatever methods I use to conceive naturally, it just won’t happen for me is hard. Knowing our journey will be long, even if we are successful on the first go around, is hard. Not knowing if my body is capable of accepting and growing a viable embryo if we are fortunate enough to get one is hard.
Sitting around the dinner table celebrating the holidays
while longing for an entirely different version of this holiday
is hard.
There are so many things I try to be grateful for in our season of infertility. I’m grateful for my husband that loves me despite the knowledge of my infertility. I’m grateful to live in a time where the miracle of science makes my dream of having a family realistic. I’m grateful for the age of knowledge sharing via social media so I can feel connected to other infertile girlies and feel less alone in this journey. Above all else, I am grateful for the knowledge of my own infertility, even if that knowledge is also making this season especially hard.
Coping with all of these feelings internally is hard enough, so when family or friends ask about our future family, I kind of just shut down. And it’s not in a “screw you for asking” way, it’s a “I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to give you a thorough answer, so I’ll just say ‘not now but we will see!’” way.
Behind the scenes, I want to sit down with every person that’s ever asked about our family plans and explain, in excruciating detail, everything we know, all of the steps we have taken and will take, and the odds of success in each of those steps. In part because I want them to know how difficult that journey is, and in part because I need to word vomit it all to process it all.
But instead I sit in silence,
nodding my head and giving polite but vague answers.
And then I open up social media for the 3rd time that day, and see another 3 pregnancy announcements, 2 “first Santa” pictures, and 4 “first Christmas!” present unwrapping videos. I open the mail box to 3 Christmas cards of family and friends with their littles.
And the grief cycle repeats.
This season of infertility starts cancelling out the Christmas magic I worked so hard to foster, like tending to a small fire in an open rain. I tell myself “it’s just a season,” while silently wondering if that’s true, if it really will be “just a season” or if this is our life.
If I had to give myself advice right now, it would be to “protect your peace,” something I struggle with on a daily basis. Don’t let the knowledge of my infertility and future IVF journey ruin the memories being made now. What is meant to be, will be.
And I can’t promise that I will even listen to that advice, so I guess take it with a grain of salt, but if nothing else - know that if you are struggling this holiday season, you aren’t alone. The complexity of whatever emotions you are feeling is valid. You are valid in whatever measures you take to protect your peace. You are stronger than you believe, and more powerful than all the negative thoughts trying to creep in and ruin your spirit.
