Grieving Natural Conception
Written by Emily.
This post is for my IVF girlies who have been here from the start - maybe you didn’t set out to start IVF right away, but whether you started IVF from the jump, never conceived naturally, or never carried a pregnancy to term naturally - this one is for you.
Before we dive in, let me be clear: ALL conception, all pregnancies, all journeys are beautiful in their own right. IVF conceived pregnancies are not less than or superior to natural pregnancies, and vice versa.
However, as someone who used a lot of science to reach the same end goal as what women biologically can reach on their own with minimal to no intervention, there is something simply so fascinating about natural conception. And every time I think about that beautiful journey, I get a little heartbroken every time.
For Adam and I, we never really tried to conceive naturally. Because of my health history prior to marriage, we knew IVF was our only route. However, we never did anything to prevent pregnancy, so while we weren’t explicitly trying, we would’ve loved to see that spontaneous positive test.
And I think that is what I grieve about our IVF journey - the lack of spontaneity. There were no surprises. No waking up “feeling off” and taking a test and finding a surprise positive. There was no surprise for our families, as they knew we started the IVF journey. I never got to wrap the test and surprise Adam out of the blue.
I am a planner, Type A to the max.
but this is one aspect of life that I would’ve
loved to not plan every step of the way.
As the saying goes, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. The “surprise” of natural conception can be a burden. The stresses of the viability of the pregnancy is omnipresent for both natural and IVF pregnancies. Your symptoms of pregnancy are likely the same, natural or IVF. This is what I told myself every time I got sad about needing IVF - the grass isn’t always greener.
I realized the pregnancy experience I wanted, and grieved, was the “movie” version - husband and wife decide they are ready, start trying, and on the first try they end up pregnant. Pregnancy goes smoothly, a beautiful baby is born complication free, and the cute little Hallmark Card family is born. But this version of natural conception is not at all as common as the movies make it seem. In fact, only 30% of couples will conceive within the first month of trying. For 80-90% of couples, natural conception is achieved within 1 year, 12 months. (Johns Hopkins)
This was about how long it took us to start our first IVF cycle - from our initial consultation to our first transfer - 12 months. Our experience was more similar than I made it out to be in my head, we just reached the end goal differently than most.
I will never not wonder what it's like to wake up one morning feeling off. What it feels like to surprise a partner with a positive test. What it's like to surprise family and friends who didn’t know you were trying. What it's like to wake up pregnant without the thousands of dollars spent to get there.
And I will grieve that experience every day.
And it's OKAY to grieve those experiences.
But the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Natural conception is not always movie-perfect. And every time I start to grieve that experience, I remind myself that both journeys have the same end goal, and how you get there doesn’t define you, your future child, or your family.
