Telling People I was an egg donor

Written by Emily using answers provided by Abby.

As this blog has established numerous times over, egg donation and fertility journies as a whole are a deeply personal journey - but just because they are personal does not mean you have to go through them alone.

I talked with Abby about her experience in opening up to others about her egg donation process and the fact that she was/is an egg donor. Hopefully these answers provide some insight to future or current egg donors, AND open up some transparency to people who are friends with/supportive of egg donors in their lives!

QUESTION ONE: Was there a specific moment you decided to tell people? What was it, and why that moment?

There’s never been a specific moment when I decide to tell someone that I was—and am—an egg donor for my sister. Before there was a child involved, I tended to keep that information a bit closer to the chest. With my close friends in college, though, I opened up as my conversations with Emily became more serious and the logistics started to feel real. I shared with them partly because I needed my own support system—people outside our family, who weren’t directly involved, and who could give me space to talk through what egg donation meant without any personal stakes in the process.

After we learned Emily was pregnant and the news became public, I was more open about sharing my experience, even with people I wasn’t as close to or with coworkers when it felt relevant. By then, we knew we wanted to create this blog, and I realized that egg donation is part of my story. I was happy to talk about it, and doing so led to some really meaningful conversations.

I think the first truly intentional conversation I had about egg donation was with a former coworker. I had taken some remote time from work for the medical procedure, and while everyone knew I’d be out for health reasons, I hadn’t shared the details. One day, on our way to lunch, we started talking about family and growing a family. She was incredibly vulnerable about her own journey, and I felt in my heart that sharing my experience might be meaningful for both of us. It turned into a deeply connecting moment—there we were, a single woman and a married woman, bonding over fertility in a way neither of us expected. She continued to be a supportive presence throughout the entire process.

QUESTION TWO: Prior to telling people, what made you keep it private (it being the idea that you would, possibly, donate eggs one day)? Why?

I think it mostly came down to the fact that it was not my journey alone. It felt like that was not something I alone could consent to being shared. I tried to be really intentional with who I told and talked to. Fertility is a sensitive issue, and the process for egg donation was long. We honestly didn’t know what our success would be at any stage of the process. Outside of my need to have a support system, as I mentioned, I didn’t feel it was my story to share alone. I feel like that is part of what this blog is trying to accomplish, sharing all sides of the process we were all a part of. 

Question Three: When you told people, what parts of their reactions made you feel reassured? Were there any reactions that made you upset or uncertain? 

The best and most reassuring responses I got were all from moms or hopeful mothers. I feel like there is something about being a mother that means they understand why, without me having to over-explain. The magic of being able to, in a sense, give someone motherhood was something understood between us. I remember one person saying, “Thank god, no, actually thank God for science,” in acknowledgement for the miracle this was and it really stuck with me. I also had women open up to me about their fertility journeys, positive and negative experiences, which made me feel less alone. 

I think with friends who are my age, there were some interesting reactions. I don’t have any friends my age who are currently parents, so I am obviously the first to be involved in any part of the IVF process. Some people were very supportive and wanted to learn, but there were some comments about “I could never” or “but that’s your child, right?” that definitely made me feel more isolated in the experience. I do think IVF and Egg Donation are very individual choices, but some questions and reactions felt a little devaluing of what I see as an incredible gift.

QUESTION FOUR: When sharing with people that you were donating eggs, was there ever a reaction or moment that you felt like “maybe I shouldn’t do this”?

It wasn’t necessarily a reaction, but I did have someone ask me what it would mean for my future relationships, which did give me pause. It’s easy to make a decision for yourself, but with something as personal as this, you do think of whether it will be confusing for your spouse and children in the future. I still don’t know how I will handle it if I am being honest, but I figure the right person would see egg donation as I do and understand my reasoning, and between the two of us, Emily and Adam, we would navigate talking to children about how their cousins came to be.

Question FIVE : Do you wish you would’ve told people earlier, later, or do you feel your timing was appropriate? 

I found my timing to be appropriate; I don’t think I would have changed when or how I told people. 

QUESTION SIX: Was there anything about your experience emotionally that changed pre vs post telling people you were donating eggs?

I think the thing that really changed how I saw my egg donation process was being able to connect with women who have been through IVF in a way that was not open to me as a single woman with no kids. Those conversations, and ongoing conversations and friends of mine currently going through IVF, have made me feel connected to a community in a way I had not considered. Obviously, my experience is different, but I now have an understanding of what the hormones do, what the process looks like from beginning to end, the emotions of not knowing if it will work, or worrying you might do something wrong, that all helps me empathize in a new way.