Finding out our journey was different
Written by Emily using interview answers provided by Adam
I sat down with Adam to ask him some questions about his personal, emotional experience leading into Donor IVF. Before getting into it, some important context: Adam and I met in college, at which point I already had my infertility diagnosis. Because of this, I was in the extremely advantageous position to share with Adam that if we got serious (plot twist: we did), our family journey would look vastly different. He knew within a few months of our relationship that our journey to a family would include IVF, but the specifics of what that IVF journey looked like were a bit of a mystery to us both.
If, at the end of this article, you still have some questions, want to hear more about Adam’s experience, or want some input on your own/your partner’s reaction to the process (or help processing the emotions you feel), reach out via our “Contact Us” page! We’d be happy to connect.
Pre-Relationship
Growing up, what did you foresee your family building journey would look like?
Adam: I assumed I’d build a family naturally via spontaneous conception. I was not at all familiar with the rate of pregnancy complications, rate of male and female factor infertility, and/or the amount of things that have to “go right” in order to both get pregnant and deliver a healthy baby. I had rose colored glasses on, and didn’t have much experience with families where it didn’t work out perfectly (or if they were there, they weren’t as open about it).
In high school, I also got the standard “don’t have sex, you’ll get pregnant and your life will be over” talk, and I think this artificially reinforces the concept that fertility is so easy, and that it’ll happen to anyone if you’re not careful.
Were you familiar with IVF prior to our IVF journey?
Adam: Yes, but on a very fundamental level. I knew it existed and what it was for, but was not familiar with all the different avenues of IVF or the different “levels” of IVF.
Pre-IVF, During Relationship
What was your first emotion when finding out we’d need to use IVF to start a family?
Adam: I definitely felt surprised. It was the first time I had to confront/realize that conception wasn’t always easy, and that this was going to be harder than I thought. I still didn’t know quite how hard, or what the process meant from start to finish.
Did you look at me/our future differently knowing we’d need IVF to start a family?
Adam: No, but I also credit that largely to the fertility conversation being communicated very early on. I think if we had gotten serious or were married and then received that diagnosis, I’d have needed a lot more time and support to come to terms with what that meant. I did not and would not have viewed you differently, but I would have needed more resources to come to terms with the vision of our future shifting.
What was your first emotion when you found out we’d build a family, but not with my eggs?
Adam: I felt pretty neutral about it, but again credit that largely to knowing we couldn’t even try with your eggs and that we used a known donor. If we wouldn’t have either of those variables, I’d again need more time to come to terms with that shift/grieve what I thought our future looked like.
Post-IVF
Do you look at our family/journey any differently when comparing it to couples who conceive naturally?
Adam: No, not now that he’s here. But if you asked me during the IVF process and before getting pregnant, I would’ve said yes. Pre-pregnancy, I’d be jealous of friends posting pregnancy announcements assuming it was easier for them, required less intervention, and less financial involvement in the process. I don’t feel that way now, but it took awhile for that feeling to go away. I also know now not to assume it was easier.
Have you ever felt like you couldn’t share our journey with someone, or felt like you had to gloss over our IVF journey when talking about our family to someone?
Adam: Now, no. During the process and during the pregnancy, I was much more reserved when talking about it though. I found myself not wanting to talk about it until I knew it worked (ie: when the baby arrived). When I did talk about it, and when I talk about it now, I receive mostly positive reactions. Most people don’t ask questions, some do, and I prefer the ones that do. I would rather be open and honest than feel like things were left unsaid.
What was one emotion you didn’t anticipate feeling in the journey that popped up along the way?
Adam: I remember feeling guilty that my sperm analysis results were subpar, and potentially could complicate an already complicated process further. I think that is the only time I truly felt caught off guard by my emotions in the process. The rest of the time I felt apprehensive, cautious, optimistic but reserved, which were all emotions I expected knowing the success rates of IVF are not always the best.
Did you ever think about genetics or biology as part of what it means to be a parent? If so, how did those views change when you realized we’d need to pursue donor egg IVF?
Adam: I was around adopted children growing up, so I was open minded about what a family unit was, but didn’t put much thought into the genetics of my own future family. I assumed my future family would all be one genetically related unit, but never felt strongly that it must be, so I wouldn’t say any views changed in this process.
Do you think about the conception process often now that the baby is here, or has it faded into the background?
Adam: I don’t think about it often or look at him any differently knowing he is a product of IVF. If anything, I am proud of the journey it took to get us here.
What do you wish you could tell your younger self who thought family building was straight forward?
Adam: I’d tell him it's not always as easy as you’re led to believe, and that science is crazy. Your path to a family may not look like how you predicted, but that doesn’t make it any less legitimate, any less beautiful, or any less valuable than anyone else’s journey.
What advice would you give (or words of encouragement) to a dad looking at going through donor IVF?
Adam: I’d remind them to take it one step at a time. Its easy to always look to the next phase, next step, next test in the process, but that will only stress you out more. Take it one step at a time and be present in that moment. I’d also tell them to make the annoying calls to insurance and their doctor to get answers and build their own sense of financial transparency about the process - nobody likes to give you those answers point blank so just dig and dig until you have the answers you need.
